What I Learned About That Difficult Childhood

Published on November 17, 2024, filed under Philosophy and Everything Else (RSS feed for all categories).

I’ve had a difficult childhood. It was an unhappy one. I’m over it, however, and even though it may be interesting to share details, I’m not interested in providing any.

Being someone who likes to study and think, however ^*, and having reached my forties, that “being over it” may still be of value. I think that value is going to be even higher, the younger you are. ^† Let’s see.

Your Memory Will Trick, Fool, and Leave You

One important lesson relates to memory, and it’s not age-related: When thinking about your past you will feel like you have all the facts straight. On further thinking, however, you should and typically will be not so sure. You will err about facts, and if you’re fair, you’ll also want to hear the other side—which, sadly, will also err about facts.

If you think about it even further, and then let some time pass, this creates a complete mess: Especially the high-ticket, high-trauma items need clarity, need comprehension, need truth. How are you going to heal (or “avenge” yourself) if you’re not absolutely sure? To be a bit provocative, who’s going to be the a-hole, if you miss important facts and context?

Over Time, Your Difficult Childhood May Get Ridiculous

Time is going to be a stronger factor not when it comes to facts, but when it comes to proportion. When you’re 20 or 25, your childhood and adolescence years are recent. You’ve only spent a small fraction of your overall life span outside of these troubling years.

Now fast-forward. You’re 30. You’re 40. You’re 50. You’re even older. You may still feel disappointed and hurt and violated. But you’re beginning and may have started to have your childhood dominate your life.

When you’re 30, you may have already spent almost half your life lamenting your childhood. By the time you’re forty, you’ve spent more than half. After that—it gets outright, and I say that in full empathy, ridiculous. You need to throw that sh_t over board—you’ve long lived your own life; now own it.

If Siblings Are Involved, Just Forget About It

I have younger siblings. They were part of the challenges I faced when I was younger. It took me until I was 40-something to realize something: Yes, they didn’t help. They did a few things that did quite the opposite of helping, adding to my felt misery. But—they were children.

What are you to do about children doing children things! How long do you want to resent and be bitter about injustice done by children? You can make that choice, and keep it up forever, but—I believe we can and must just forget about it. (I’ve later spoken with my siblings about this time, and then put it behind. Yes—that can be a decision we can make.)

You Will Change Perspective Once You Have Children Yourself

A father myself, it didn’t take myself long—days, maybe weeks—until I was humbled how much there was to learn as a parent, and how easy it was to make mistakes. Parents, especially first-time parents, also young parents, make mistakes. I haven’t had this situation with my child yet, but I don’t consider it a stretch that the mistakes may include not realizing how much something hurts or lingers with a child.

We’re not talking about neglect, abuse, or other drastic misconduct here, something parents are and should be responsible for. But it is truly humbling for everyone to be a parent themselves, to have and then accept the responsibility, that is raising a child, so that the child does not look back and only sees a—difficult childhood.

Bonus: If You’re Doing Well Today…

Finally, let’s consider (and hope you’re in) the situation that you’re doing pretty well. (That doesn’t need a definition—it may mean whatever it means to us.) It doesn’t take a hardcore-determinist position to still see a connection with your childhood—that is, while it may contribute to some of your troubles, it also contributed to your well-being.

Where does this leave you? It’s so close to the topic we cannot meaningfully talk about, I don’t think we can dive in here and now. But it should mean enough to make us think about whether we can actually cherry-pick from our childhoods, and only see pain and unhappiness in them. (And when you reject that, and only feel that pain, you’re exactly at the gate that we need to cross in order to really understand something about “good” and “bad.”)

For me, I’m grateful to be well. I attribute this to a few factors, notably my choices and some of my decisions. Yet it would feel unfair to me not also to consider my childhood as a factor in play. What do I know why I chose these circumstances, and what they were good for in “the end.”

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For me, now, I don’t know how to comment on my childhood anymore. I’ve made peace with everything and everyone. It’s long over, and, as I just shared, I’m far from waging war over details really no one recalls with any credible precision. The only thing that stays with me is something that cannot be changed later—not having particularly close ties to my family. These want to be forged during the time you live together; but later, especially when you move a lot, that’s hard to impossible to make up for. And that may then perhaps leave you with a lonely childhood instead.

^* I don’t know how well my studying and thinking is working, but if you’re interested, I’ve written articles about how to read—study—more and faster, as well as a little book about working on oneself.

^† Oh, age.

About Me

I’m Jens (long: Jens Oliver Meiert), and I’m a frontend engineering leader and tech author/publisher. I’ve worked as a technical lead for companies like Google and as an engineering manager for companies like Miro, I’m a contributor to several web standards, and I write and review books for O’Reilly and Frontend Dogma.

I love trying things, not only in web development (and engineering management), but also in other areas like philosophy. Here on meiert.com I share some of my experiences and views. (Please be critical, interpret charitably, and give feedback.)